My Biggest Disappointment... My Only Hope

Hey all.
I know that's a little dramatic. But I've eaten little but sugar and caffeine today, so my brain is feeling a little desperate.
I won't hold you in suspense.
It's the fact that I am totally incompetent, inconsistent, and self involved. Now I know- because you are my friends, that you will try and tell me otherwise. Which is nice. But the dishes & the laundry piled around me and my irritated husband & dirty kid are there to remind me that I suck. Not in any really impressive way either. I'm certainly not material for trash television- I just don't do what I should. I don't care about others to an extent contingent with their true and incredible worth. Or even as much as myself, whom I loathe about half the time. I'd go about ten times farther out of my way to please myself than to please you or anyone else, in general, unless there's some special reason. And then if I DID go out of my way for you, I'd congratulate myself on that heroic act of selflessness early and often. Sometimes I've wound up feeling guilty for not helping someone out mainly because I was so busy praising myself for helping when I hadn't actually done it yet? Pathetic? Yes, but also normal. Boring even.
So why talk about it? It's a little embarrassing, and also boring and normal. Well, because these thoughts have been floating around in my head too long, and they've finally found resolution. Because today is Easter. And I've been brooding over the fact of my failures large and small all through lent and feeling down and guilty. But today I remembered, with no little Divine Intervention, I'm quite sure, that my failures point me to the One who does not fail. Who loves me and will not abandon me even at my ugliest, laziest, boringest. What if I didn't know how much I sucked? What if I never hated my self involvement? These insights are gifts. So long as I don't allow them to twist my view of who I am, of my deepest identity and worth... they are precious gifts, which I would be lost without. Utterly and hopelessly lost.

Nourishing Traditions, Sewing Stall, Toxins & Spiritual Thoughts...

These are the things floating around in my head these days... I hope they will become productive in my life...
Nourishing Traditions is a book- it totally rocks my world- it's all about traditional diets and ways of eating that help your body to digest and absorb the nutrients we need. The emphasis is on whole foods with lots of info on fermenting stuff & making bone broths and all sorts of lost arts of nutritious deliciousness. Our kitchen and eating habits have been in a slow evolution toward more sustainable and healthy choices for a long time. This might just be part of the end picture... I mean, I haven't arrived, but it is exciting to see more clearly what I am working towards!
Less satisfying in my life right now is the state of my creative projects, which do not exist except as a pile of fabric, old clothes and yarn filling my office & ideas floating through my brain. I do not know how to use the sewing machine I was given for Christmas. It is quite old, I will have to find someone quite knowledgeable to get it up and running. I may attempt to do so tomorrow. Many friends are taking off on their creative textile journeys, and I feel left in the dust. I only hope my creative muse hangs around long enough to be of practical use.
Toxic Everything! I am so fed up that I am actually bored of it. I've become one of those "in the know" Toxin Snobs. I don't even bother to say anything, unless someone asks, and then I'm like, "yeah, of course that's full of crap. It's got SLS which'll give you cancer, phthalates which are hormone disruptors, and triclosan- not enough to kill the bacteria, just enough to inoculate them and make them resistant. I like to buy soap from the farmers market for a reason. " I wish the government would take responsibility and make Non-Toxic Life the LAW. But so far I've done nothing to let them know that, so boo to me.
Which leaves Spiritual Thoughts- which are like constellations of delicate ideas bright and full of meaning, but easy to lose sight of and difficult to point out to others. Things like spiritual maturity. Like the beauty of orthodoxy. Like the transformative nature of my vocation as wife and mother. Christ as Mystery unfolding.

And then there is this uneasy feeling that I am altogether too busy with so many interests and projects and am not quite striking a balance with enjoying life and really being present to my daughter...

And now I need to sleep.

Back in the Habit

Habit. What a powerful force... if only I could hitch my cart of good intentions to it's constant forward motion...
This is something I want to work on. If I could keep myself, my child & my home clean & in good order without having to consciously remember so many little tasks, my day would seem so much more OPEN... for other thoughts, for other projects... Habits to feed my body, soul, and spirit the good food they crave... Habits to keep in touch with friends, to start & finish projects, to keep better track of the money my family has to live on...
And the habit of writing.
I'd like to get back to that.

Ashley Star Hoffart, Reporting Live

Hey there everyone!
Sorry that I haven't written in so long... it's been a busy few months, as you can imagine! Wedding Showers, Final Exams, Christmas Parties, Christmas, Bachelorette Party, Wedding (!!!), New Years, Honeymoon, and a new semester... that's now almost gone. All that stress and excitement, and now a little one on the way! Just kidding. We're not pregnant. But people ask so often, I thought I'd just have a little fun with you. My computer actually just recently blew itself up, so I'm writing on Nathan's laptop, which I am not used to, and which does not have my pictures on it (I'm sorry! I'll post some soon!). So I'll have to write a better update later. But I will at least fill you in on what I'm doing now. Nathan moved in with me after the wedding (my roomate moved out), and we've both been going to school at Langara. He took a semester out of Studio 58 (the acting program) to think about what he really wants to do and has been taking French and business classes and Linguistics and loves all of it. I've been finishing up my Social Service Work diploma- just two more weeks of classes, exams, and a five week practicum to go. Then what? We really don't know. We were really hoping to find someone to sub-let our place furnished for the summer, so that we could get out of the city for a couple months- if you're interested or know someone trustworthy who is interested, let me know! Nathan was thinking of fishing, but so far that hasn't come through. I need to have a little flexibility for some friends weddings, (Hi Kait! Hi Rosie! Hi Alexis!) So whatever that means. Basically, we totally don't know what we're doing for the summer! Being married is great. I love having Nathan around all the time, and sharing a house has not been as stressful as all those naysayers out there like to pretend. I've had WAY more annoying roomies! Just kidding, girls. you know I love you all.
Anyway, I'd better get going. I'll post a much more exciting flashback episode when my computer is fixed, kay? Lots of love to you all. I miss you all a bunch.
xoxo
Ashley Star... Hoffart

City Living

So, I honestly don't know why anyone in their right mind would live in a City by choice. The polution, the expense, the inefficiency! I'm not going to sugar coat it here, folks so if you're looking for a cheer-me-upper, you've come to the wrong place... Since arriving in Vancouver, I've had my car backed into, my insurance hiked up, been charged for an aircare check and spent a good week dealing with the ICBC claim. I've had a roomate leave without paying rent and without giving notice. To add insult to injury, I've had one speeding ticket (the one place you can actually drive in the city!), and one parking ticket (after paying the 3$ to park, and then not getting back in time.) Nathan's scooter has been knocked down once by someone backing into it, and once had it hit at full speed- it skidded down the street. If he had been anywhere near it, he probably would be dead, or at least severely maimed. His two ICBC claims had to go through at the same time, making for a rather confusing situation that is long from sorted. He will probably take his scooter in this week. Nathan's locker was broken into at school and his wallet, keys, school bag with all his school stuff, and cell phone were all stolen. Which was too bad for the guy who broke into his apartment just a couple days later, because he had almost nothing of value left there to steal! Most recently Nathan, a friend of ours, and myself were acosted by a madman (likely cracked out) on a bike, who responded to our quiet grumbling after he nearly knocked our friend down at full speed down the middle of the sidewalk with a violent and earnest offer to pound our heads into the road if we continued talking about him 'that way.' Thankfully we escaped after a few minutes of abuse with only slightly moist faces from his spittle and slightly moist trousers from the fear he managed to produce in us. Just another fine day in Vancouver, folks! Most beautiful city on earth. Then, as you may of heard, we are now enjoying the much anticipated water crisis that has resulted in the over logging of areas directly above our water supply- the bank slid into the water and produced such a volume of silt in the water that the filter is entirely insufficient to, well, filter, and the many bacteria that inhabit the woodland floor are having their hayday. Add to that the Portmann Bridge expansion soon to bring us more and more congestion from the south, and the great cause of the Olympics, which is sucking every service dollar out of every resource... this in the face of a housing crisis like none since the depression, the poorest per capita postal code in Canada living literally under the feet of the richest in Canada... and YES! Let's all move to Vancouver. What a modern, lovely city. The city of glass, indeed. You can see right through it when you get close enough, and it's ability to support life, as well as it's crystal image, are about as fragile.

City Living

So, I honestly don't know why anyone in their right mind would live in a City by choice. The polution, the expense, the inefficiency! I'm not going to sugar coat it here, folks so if you're looking for a cheer-me-upper, you've come to the wrong place... Since arriving in Vancouver, I've had my car backed into, my insurance hiked up, been charged for an aircare check and spent a good week dealing with the ICBC claim. I've had a roomate leave without paying rent and without giving notice. To add insult to injury, I've had one speeding ticket (the one place you can actually drive in the city!), and one parking ticket (after paying the 3$ to park, and then not getting back in time.) Nathan's scooter has been knocked down once by someone backing into it, and once had it hit at full speed- it skidded down the street. If he had been anywhere near it, he probably would be dead, or at least severely maimed. His two ICBC claims had to go through at the same time, making for a rather confusing situation that is long from sorted. He will probably take his scooter in this week. Nathan's locker was broken into at school and his wallet, keys, school bag with all his school stuff, and cell phone were all stolen. Which was too bad for the guy who broke into his apartment just a couple days later, because he had almost nothing of value left there to steal! Most recently Nathan, a friend of ours, and myself were acosted by a madman (likely cracked out) on a bike, who responded to our quiet grumbling after he nearly knocked our friend down at full speed down the middle of the sidewalk with a violent and earnest offer to pound our heads into the road if we continued talking about him 'that way.' Thankfully we escaped after a few minutes of abuse with only slightly moist faces from his spittle and slightly moist trousers from the fear he managed to produce in us. Just another fine day in Vancouver, folks! Most beautiful city on earth. Then, as you may of heard, we are now enjoying the much anticipated water crisis that has resulted in the over logging of areas directly above our water supply- the bank slid into the water and produced such a volume of silt in the water that the filter is entirely insufficient to, well, filter, and the many bacteria that inhabit the woodland floor are having their hayday. Add to that the Portmann Bridge expansion soon to bring us more and more congestion from the south, and the great cause of the Olympics, which is sucking every service dollar out of every resource... this in the face of a housing crisis like none since the depression, the poorest per capita postal code in Canada living literally under the feet of the richest in Canada... and YES! Let's all move to Vancouver. What a modern, lovely city. The city of glass, indeed. You can see right through it when you get close enough, and it's ability to support life, as well as it's crystal image, are about as fragile.

the garments of praise

Well, there's nothing like feeling stinking low to make you remember to praise God. Ironic, isn't it? I busted out my guitar last night, lit a special candle from my mom and fumbled out some old favourites. It helped. I don't know what it is about this time... I just find myself thinking about all the things I haven't done. The lost dreams, the things that other people have had the guts to do while I have tried time and time again to take the safe route. Why didn't I dance? Why didn't I travel? Will I ever? I don't know. Why haven't I stuck it out through some education and gotten a decent job, at least? I don't know. Thanks to all of you for your lovely encouragements. If this dark view of things can remind me of what really matters: knowing God and being close with friends and family... it can't be all bad. :)
Love you all.
PS. In case you ever wonder what I'm actually UP to, today I toured a Ministry of Employment and Income Assistance, 8:30 to 4:30 (only I slept through my alarm and was a bit late, which sucks, as you can imagine how much a gov't office appreciated that). The drive back and forth was about a half hour on each side. Tonight I will probably go to church choir, even though Nathan won't be coming, as he has school until about 11pm tonight. Roomie Maria might come too, if she's off of work. I don't know. That's my day. Oh. and studying tonight for midterm tomorrow. I'm giving myself permission not to care too much. I'll just look over stuff a little. Kay. Do you love how my "PS" is the same length as the main part of my email?

Blue Mood Mix....

Hey everyone.
Sorry I've been away so long... I can't believe all that I've been missing out on in the blog world. The watched blog is never posted on, hey? But as soon as you stay away... It is so nice to have you all to "check in on."
To update, school has been WAY more demanding than I thought it would be, which shouldn't surprise anyone who knows me. I am addicted to taking on more than I can handle. I don't know why... I've been thinking that it is maybe a fear motivation or something. A need to perform.... I don't know. In any case, it has been less than the good times I had imagined. Parts of my basement suite are still too dirty to actually "live" in and I haven't done laundry for the entire month that I've been here. (See guys, it is SO practical to own this much clothing!) I am behind in reading for everyclass and midterms are upon me starting tomorrow. I haven't started research for either of my term papers, and I haven't submitted my part of the big term group project either. YIKES! PLUS there are about a zillion little wedding details to struggle with by phone (CELL phone, which doesn't get any reception in my basement, of course!) Oh you guys, I think that I'm in over my head. I really actually don't know what to do. I have so much respect for all of you who have chosen an academic path and stuck to it. Right now it just feels like this insurmountable barrier to a life of reduced stressed and increased meaning and income... :)
It's just that sometimes I just don't even know if this is something that I really want to do... And if not, what then?
The situation is further exacerbated by Nathan's schooling, which is at least twice as time consuming and ridiculous as mine. Seriously. He started school at 8:30 this morning and called me at 11pm to let me know that he got home but couldn't stop by tonight because a girl from his program was coming over to work on a project that is due tomorrow. Nice, huh?
I had such a lovely long weekend-My bro arrived Friday night, I went to my aunt's wedding Saturday night, in New Westminster (lower mainland), which was awesome. Then Sunday straight after church Nathan, JA, Willa, and I caught the ferry over and enjoyed a lovely Thanksgiving meal at my uncle's place. Great food, great company, great bonfire, the whole meal deal. Then we drove up to Courtenay with my mom... Nathan stayed at his parents' and I stayed with my mom. Man is she ever the best ever in this entire universe, actual or potentially existing in parallel to our experience. Really. Just even in terms of object possibility, she is actually better than anything you can imagine. I mean, I know that I am preaching to the converted here anyway, for the most part, because most of you have met her. But when I've been away it just is that much more obvious, and so I have the exclaim YAY FOR MY MOM! Anyway. So then it was very very hard to leave the beautiful and lovely Comox Valley with my mom in it. Especially to come back to stinky, stressful, loud, yucky, busybusybusy Vancouver.
There is this song by Final Fantasy that has an awesome line that says that "Montreal might eat it's young, but Montreal won't break us down." Vancouver also fits there very nicely, and not only because it is a three syllable word.
Something nice: I am really, really appreciating tea lately. It is probably better for me than my usual coffee (it has to be as black and dense as tar before i really like it) and it is so, so comforting. I am even straying to non-black varieties some evenings... today was camomile for instance. Very nice. Oooh. and I am making myself still read good novels before bed because that is a nice thing.
Okay. we'll end with those nice things, how'bout.
xoxo
Ash.